Sunday, February 19, 2012

How to make everyone else's con experience suck

You know, it's great that you're having a good time at the con, but because of your behaviour, I'm not. And nor are many, many other people, because you're being a douchecanoe. Here's how.

Your badge is on your hip. Nice work, now everyone wanting to know who the fuck you are has to stare at your crotch. The badge should be pinned on your chest, or on a lanyard. Don't force people to scope out your junk, because it isn't all that. And your PJs don't flatter it.

Oh yes. You're wearing your frigging pajamas. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you? You now don't have pockets, you don't have a proper fly to keep your junk inside your trousers, and you look like an idiot. Put some damn clothes on!

But before you do, step into the shower and turn it on. Use the soap. If you haven't showered or changed clothes in three days, YOU STINK. Seriously. My sense of smell is mostly GONE, thanks to a couple incidents with standing downwind of hydrochloric acid, and I CAN SMELL YOUR STINKY ASS FROM THREE ROOMS AWAY. Shower. It'll also help you sober up.

Because just because YOU haven't been to bed in three days doesn't mean it's OK to be drunk at 9am.

And you really should go to bed, because energy drinks are NOT a substitute for sleep. You wind up being in one of two states: hopped up like a chipmunk on meth, annoying the hell out of everyone around you, or a narcoleptic sloth. So get some damn sleep. Seriously, if you weren't going to sleep why did you change into your pajamas? Oh, right, to rub in the fact that you got a room. Gotcha.

Also, you need to eat properly. You can't make it three days on nothing but pocky. Shower, put some goddamn clothes on, and haul your ass to someplace that sells REAL food. If you're lucky enough to be at a con with a Whole Paycheck nearby, you have officially Scored, because their salad bars are the best thing on the planet. Grab some spinach, skip the dressings, add protein, more vegetation, and finish off with some seriously good hummus. For what you're buying, it's cheap, and it's good for you. It'll also help you stay awake.

Oh, great, you noticed the guest of honour, and now you're fanboying out. Save the squeeing for later, and treat the poor guy like a human, willya? He's come a long way to be here, and he doesn't need you being a jackass. This goes even more if he happens to be a she, because for some reason That Guy at the con is even more of a douchecanoe around women.

So: calm down, nourish your body, SHOWER!, get enough sleep, and you should be good to go at not making the con suck for other people. Except for your personality, but that's beyond the scope of this entry...

1 comment:

  1. The more things change, the more they stay the same.

    ReplyDelete

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